Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
