My sheets look like a crime scene.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
