oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
