oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
