I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
