As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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