worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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