Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
