my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
