Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
