Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
