The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
