i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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