the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
