Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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