My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
