your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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