he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
