Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
