well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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