I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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