im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
