And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
