yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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