we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
