i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
