I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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