i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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