absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
