I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
