It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
