It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
