I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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