I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
