You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
