Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
