would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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