When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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