My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
