Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
