how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize