Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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