The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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