he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
