I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
