and next time when you feel me up, do it right
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
