It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
