the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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