he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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