I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
